Billy Haskins is a mute boy who is loved very much by his parents. They care very much for him and they wish very deeply that no further harm should come to him. Billy’s parents know how little boys can be cruel, how they would make fun of the scars on Billy’s throat and his half-severed tongue. Billy would be the boy who couldn’t talk back, the boy who would be defenseless, the boy who could only make noises like a chicken clucking.

A tutor named Theresa visits three days a week, and Billy slowly learns sign language, gradually, step by step, gesture by gesture. Billy’s parents pay very careful attention to him and provide him with toys, healthy food, and warm clothing, and they speak to him as they would to any child, even though he is mute. After all, Billy is a normal child. Just because he is mute does not mean that there is anything wrong with him.

Billy’s parents love him so very much that they try to spend all of their time with him. They both do their work at home on their computers and they hardly ever go away from Billy. They take turns giving Billy lessons on history and art and writing and other things, and although he cannot speak, Billy is a very good listener, and he has developed a fine handwriting.

The house that they live in is a very nice house in the woods, on acres and acres of land, behind an electrical fence, very far from the nearest neighbor. There are birds and squirrels and stands of pines. There are the noises of the woods, the calming sounds of nature, which Billy can hear, because although he is mute, he is not deaf. Sometimes, on summer evenings, Billy and his parents sit out on the porch and drink tall cool drinks, and listen to the woods.

But it isn’t summer, it’s Cleb’s birthday, and that’s the only day in the whole year that Billy’s parents ever go away, to the place that Billy’s Mommy says is a cruel place for children. Every March 15th, they fly there in the morning and fly back late at night. They are anxious when they leave, anxious about leaving Billy by himself with just the baby- sitter, although they trust the babysitter very much. They know that she’ll look out for Billy while they are away, but still they are anxious, anxious about their son.

When the babysitter says it’s bedtime at nine o’clock, Billy plays like he’s sleeping until ten o’clock, then he gets out his penlight and looks beneath his bed and pulls up the secret floorboard and gets out the cigar box that has the hand in it that made Cleb mad that Billy saw it before Cleb got sent away. Billy opens the box, to see how it has changed. The bones have gotten yellower, the tiny little fingerbones. He touches them. The stuff on top flakes off but under the flakes the bones are hard, really hard. It doesn’t smell as bad as the last time he checked. Billy’s parents don’t know about the hand. Billy keeps it a secret, cause good brothers keep secrets.

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Cleb is Billy’s older brother. Cleb was bad and that’s why he got sent away. Cleb was bad cause he hurt other children. Cleb was bad cause he hurt Billy. He didn’t believe Billy when Billy told him he wouldn’t tell anyone about the hand. Billy just wanted to play with his big brother, he didn’t mean to surprise him, but Cleb wouldn’t believe him. When Billy saw Cleb holding the hand he thought it was neat, and he told Cleb so, but Cleb said he shouldn’t have seen it, that he was in big trouble. Billy promised not to tell. He told Cleb it was neat. He asked Cleb to show him more. Cleb let Billy hold it, but he had a mean look in his eyes, and in the night Billy had a nightmare, only it was really real, cause when he woke up he was bloody and his throat was cut up, and his tongue was gone, and when his Mommy came in she screamed and screamed and screamed. Billy’s window was broken, and the police thought a bad man had come in and did it until Billy’s Mommy found Cleb’s Swiss Army knife with some blood on it in his underwear drawer. She screamed and screamed and screamed and then Billy’s Dad punched Cleb and then the policemen came and that is when Cleb went away to the special place for kids like him, kids who were mean to their brothers. Billy misses his older brother a lot. He was mean but they used to play sometimes and it was okay.

Billy doesn’t think that Cleb meant to be mean. He just didn’t understand that Billy understood him, that he wouldn’t tell on him, that he knew that Cleb was his brother and that sometimes brothers are mean to their brothers. Cleb really messed up when he cut up Billy. Cleb cut him up, but that didn’t mean he meant to hurt him. Billy knows that brothers fight sometimes, all brothers. It’s part of being a brother. Most brothers just don’t get so mean that they make it so you can’t talk anymore with a knife. Billy feels bad that Cleb had to go away. He wishes he still had his tongue and the other thing like what the doctor said, the thing that made his voice, the larynx, but even more he wishes he had his brother. You can learn how to talk with your hands, you can hear other people and talk back to them with your hands, but you can’t replace a brother who gets sent away. Cleb knew things about the world that Billy didn’t know. One time Cleb showed him the inside of a frog. You just can’t do that kind of thing on your own, especially if you don’t like knives. Cleb knew a lot, but Cleb was dumb that’s what he was, dumb. Billy doesn’t hate Cleb, but he knows Cleb was downright stupid for doing that. If Billy had a little brother, he would not cut him up. It’s good to be a big brother, and it’s bad to go away and leave your little brother alone in a new big house in the woods. Good little brothers don’t tell. Cleb should have known that. Billy proved it to him every day. He never told nobody about the hand, and when he looks at it, he says to his brother, “See? See? You see now, Cleb? I never did tell, and I never will neither. I’m not the kind of brother who tells. Brothers ought to trust brothers. Brothers don’t need to cut up little brothers to make them not tell.” Cleb never answered cause he was away in the bad place, but Billy knows that if he were there, he’d have to nod his head and say, “I’m sorry Billy, I know you wouldn’t tell. I’m sorry, Billy, I am. I’m sorry I cut you up.” Cleb would say that, he’d say that when he got home, Billy just knows it, so he keeps the hand in his secret place, and someday he’ll prove to his big brother that he never did tell.

Billy’s brother is gone and Billy wishes he had friends. He’s nine, and he doesn’t go to school anymore, cause Mommy shook and cried when he told her he wanted to go back to school, cause there aren’t any kids around the house and he wishes he could have friends to play with. Theresa is a good teacher, and she teaches him how to sign, and she reads him stories and shows him pictures of hands that make words, and he watches a big screen TV when his lessons are done, and he can play Nintendo so long as the games aren’t violent, and Theresa is beautiful, and when in the stories Theresa reads to him there is a beautiful woman, Billy always imagines that the beautiful woman is Theresa, but Theresa isn’t a kid, and she isn’t a boy; she isn’t like a brother. A brother can tell you things about the world. Theresa teaches him lessons and sometimes she gives him big fat hugs that make him feel all warm inside, but it’s just different, and nobody can understand that. He tries to tell them, to sign it to them and to write it down, but his mother says there will be time for other people later, that he is better off right now away from the other boys. Billy has learned how to read stories, and the boys in the stories always have other boys around and do things with the other boys like playing ball and fishing and building rafts in the river and solving mysteries together and Billy feels left out when he reads them.

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Billy’s parents are home. Billy walks over real quiet in his pajamas and watches them through his door, open just a crack. Dad gives Alice the babysitter some money and thanks her. Alice says that he was a good boy, no trouble at all. Dad says yes he’s a fine boy isn’t he and Mommy starts like she’s about to cry and says he’s such a good boy and Alice asks if there is anything she can do and Mommy says thank you Alice no I’m just, I’m just tired then she really starts to cry and Alice says she hopes everything is all right and Dad says it’s fine just some pills for motion sickness you know from the plane she just needs some rest and Alice says if you’re sure then I’ll be on my way and then she leaves.

Mommy says Cleb, Cleb, Cleb what happened David why did it happen like that? Dad says I don’t know Monica and Mommy says did you see him did you see his eyes they were just dead cold like he couldn’t even see us anymore and Dad says hush, hush, Monica, Billy’s sleeping, it will be okay Monica it will be okay and Mommy says it’s my fault you know I could have been there I could have stopped him and Dad says there was nothing we could have done to stop it and he puts his arms around her and says we didn’t do anything wrong he just snapped there’s nothing we could have done and there’s no way to explain it and there’s no point in trying to blame. I named him, Mommy says, I named him Cleb and Daddy says hush, hush, Monica, it will be okay and she says Cleb after my father in the war mother never talked about him I never knew him just a little girl he was away and then he died, it was just a name I thought, just a name and Dad says Monica, Monica, it was nothing we did, it’s nothing we can blame ourselves for it was neurotoxins or something it was chemicals it was something other than us and Mommy says he was a beautiful boy he played and he smiled such a pretty smile if he was a girl he would have loved his little brother if he was a girl I would have understood her I could have told her things about the world and she would have loved her little brother she would have loved him and protected him and held him so tight I could have told her but I didn’t know about boys how to get them to be . . . hush, Monica, hush . . . kind. We should have bought him different toys we should have never bought him that knife and Dad says I’m sorry Monica I’m sorry let’s go to bed in the morning it will be better in the morning it will be okay and Mommy says every night the same nightmares David every night they come and I know it hurts you, I know it does David, but I just can’t, it’s not you I just can’t anymore cause he came from me . . . I still love him David I still love him I do I can’t stop even though I know that he went bad I can’t shut it off I can’t stop any of it what if Billy what if he goes bad too the world will come in I know the world will come in and Dad sort of shakes her and says Monica, listen to me, listen to me, Monica. Billy is okay, he’s a good boy that’s not going to change and Cleb well the psychiatrists think there’s some progress and we’re still here Monica, you and me and our boy, we’re still here, Monica, we’re still here and it will be okay. Mommy sort of nods her head, but the way she nods you can tell she’s only sort of half saying yes and she says I need to see my baby and Dad holds her real tight in his arms and his hand is like a cradle on the back of her head and she’s shaking and he says okay, baby, okay and he lets her use his shirtsleeve to wipe off her nose and they start to come up the stairs and Billy tries real hard to be real quiet getting under the sheets and he shuts his eyes real tight like he’s been sleeping for hours and they push the door open and he can hear Mommy walking over to his bed and she puts her hand on Billy’s forehead and says Mommy loves you, Billy, Mommy loves you very very much. Mommy loves her baby boy.

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In the morning, Billy hears the thwack thwack thwack of his Dad’s fists on the punching bag. He does it every morning. It makes a different sound when he kicks it. His Dad punches and kicks and makes groaning noises. Billy punches it every once and a while too and when he does it makes his hands get all scraped up and his Mommy gets mad and starts crying if she sees them scraped up like that and Billy doesn’t like it when she cries so he doesn’t do it too much. It’s a heavy bag, and it’s Dad’s and his Mommy always tells him he ought not to hit Dad’s things, so he doesn’t do it very often and when he does he hits it sort of soft so it won’t make the thwack noise and scrape up his hand so that Mommy will know and get all mad and sad. Dad hits it hard though, every morning, his knuckles are tough from hitting it. Billy can hear it even upstairs in bed and he likes the noise it makes when he wakes up to it. It’s kind of like an alarm clock, only it’s human, so it’s better, it means that Dad is up and lively and everything is okay. His Mommy always sleeps later than that.

Billy pours himself a bowl of Cheerios and pours some milk in it, too. His Dad makes the thwack noise in the basement in a rhythm that Billy likes, and he tries to get the spoonfuls of Cheerios in his mouth in just the same rhythm: spoon up thwack crunch crunch crunch spoon down spoon up thwack. It’s like he and his Dad are making a kind of song together.

Billy finishes his cereal just as his Dad comes up stairs smelling that kind of salty sweat smell he smells whenever he gets done with the punching. His Dad comes up behind him and tousles his hair and asks him if he’s gotten all his homework done, and Billy signs that he has and signs if he can play outside until Theresa gets there which will be 9:30 and it’s only 8:15 which means there’s more than an hour and Dad says sure, son, sure, just don’t get dirtied up and be careful out there, huh? and Billy signs that he will. Theresa taught Mommy and Dad how to sign too, and they can understand it, but they’re both kind of clumsy at doing it, which is okay cause Billy can hear them anyway so there isn’t really any need for them to learn how to sign, because even though Billy is mute he is not deaf.

The back yard is a good back yard, it’s big and there are pine trees, and a sandbox which Billy never plays in cause there’s only so much fun you can have in a sandbox when you’re all by yourself and it only makes him think of Cleb and how much more fun it would be if he were playing in it too and he’s too big for a sandbox anyway, it’s not the kind of thing that big boys do. It’s a big back yard though, his Dad says four acres and there’s the fence around it which Billy never goes near because it’s electric and Billy got shocked by a toaster once when he tried to get a piece of burnt toast out of it and that was no fun at all cause it hurt his hands like all get out and Billy’s hands are very important to him cause they are the way he talks so he keeps a good distance between himself and that electric fence. Billy really hates that fence, when you get down to it. It is not the best thing about the big back yard. The pine trees aren’t either. They smell good and all and make a nice home for the birds, who are finally coming back, which makes Billy glad, but they aren’t the best thing of all either.

The best thing of all is the pond. It’s not a very big pond, big fish don’t grow in it cause it’s not deep, but little fish do, goldfish do and tadpoles do, too. Today is the best day, cause Billy can finally see the tadpoles, just beneath the surface. Some of them will grow up and in the summer they will be frogs. Billy thinks about Cleb and how he’s missing it, and he thinks about what Cleb would do. There probably aren’t any tadpoles where Cleb lives now. Billy looks back at the big house and there’s nobody in the windows watching him, which is good cause Billy has a secret.

Real quick with both his hands, he swoops down in the water and scoops up the tadpoles, three of them, maybe four, he gets them in his cupped hands. He closes his eyes and feels them swimming in his fingers. They feel slimy and good as they swim in his hands. It tickles him, and it feels so good that Billy laughs. It is like they’re talking to him, speaking to his fingers, talking to his hands. The water drips out and Billy lowers his tadpoles back into the pond. Billy likes to touch things, even if Mommy says that it’s dangerous. The tadpoles swim away. The tadpoles are a secret, a secret that is good.

Billy wipes his hands on his jeans and then he hears something rustling in the dogwoods. He walks over by the bushes and squats down with his hands on his knees and listens for it and he hears it again and then he sees it moving around underneath some dead leaves. Billy sees some fur and he knows it’s an animal and he loves animals so he wants to touch it. Billy is real quiet, real careful because he knows that animals get scared and he doesn’t want scare it away, he just wants to touch it. He creeps down and slips his hands in the leaves and then they all come flying up it’s a rabbit scrambling up from the hole and running away. It’s a good-sized rabbit with fur that’s kind of funny because it’s brown but it’s still got some white hairs in it like bunnies do in winter and Billy scrambles up and starts chasing it. The rabbit’s real quick and it’s running quicker than Billy but Billy’s pretty darn quick too and he knows the woods and he thinks he’s lost the bunny but then it comes shooting out from behind a tree and Billy tries to cut off its path but then it cuts to the right just near Billy’s foot and Billy nearly touches its fur with his finger then he spots it by the biggest pine at the edge of the woods and Billy goes diving for it and lands on the ground on a bed of pine needles and realizes that his hand is empty then he hears a big sparking noise and he looks up and sees the fence and the rabbit on it kind of bouncing around like it’s hanging on it and Billy gets up and walks over and he sees that the rabbit has caught its paw in the chain links. Its paw is caught and it hurts the rabbit it makes little noises. Billy gets a stick and knocks the rabbit away from the fence and it just lies there. It looks burned around its paw. The air smells funny and Billy feels kind of sick in his tummy. He picks the rabbit up and looks at it. Its eyes are all burned up too. It’s warm but it isn’t moving at all. Its fur is soft. Billy pets it and he feels sad. He sits down on the ground in the woods and cries cause it is dead now. Billy is hurt inside cause the rabbit got hurt and died and it wouldn’t have died if Billy hadn’t chased it. Some blood comes out of the rabbit’s mouth and Billy hates blood. He hates blood but he loves the rabbit cause he knows the rabbit, knows what it was like to be the rabbit. The rabbit didn’t do anything wrong and a bad thing just happened. There’s blood spilling out all over the rabbit but Billy doesn’t even think about his clothes and he hugs it real tight. It’s warm and limp and it can’t feel a thing.

Billy knows that he should just leave it, that he should keep it a secret, but he can’t, cause it’s so bad, and even though he knows that bad things happen sometimes he can’t understand why, even though he’s not stupid. He knows that it’s bad that he’s holding the rabbit and he knows that it’s bad that he chased it and he knows it’s bad it got killed on the bad fence and he knows that sometimes the world is just bad but it hurts, it hurts real bad and he can’t understand why it needs to hurt why the world is so bad that things need to get hurt so he walks right up to the porch holding the rabbit to his chest, his fingers all wet and sticky with warm blood, and he can’t stop crying like a big boy would, like Cleb would tell him to just shut up and act like a big boy, but he can’t and he walks up to the sliding glass doors and he sees his Mommy standing there in her flowery robe with the curler things in her hair and her coffee cup drops out of her hand as she opens the door. Billy walks in crying and he signs with one hand Mommy, I killed it.

Mommy she just stands there for a second with Billy standing there holding the rabbit and the coffee in a big brown puddle at her feet and she looks down at Billy and he thinks she’s going to hug him but she just stands there and then she reaches for his hands and grabs hold of his wrists and squeezes them real tight so tight that it hurts very much so tight that Billy has to drop the rabbit and it falls on the coffee-soaked carpet and Mommy is hurting his hands when she looks at him and says Bad. Bad. Bad. You have been bad, Billy. You ought not to hurt things, Billy. To hurt things is bad. Mommy, Billy wants to say, my hands hurt Mommy my hands. Mommy says you hurt little things. You touch things and you hurt them. Why do you hurt things, Billy, why do you need to hurt? And Billy signs Mommy and he can’t think of what to say and he signs Mommy I don’t mean to. Mommy says the world Billy the world comes in and you go bad. Keep it out. Can’t keep it out. You go bad. Billy can hardly feel his hands anymore and Mommy lets him go and says bad, bad, bad. Boys go bad. Mommy lets go of him and she reaches down for the rabbit and she picks it up and walks with it over to her rocking chair and she holds it to her shoulder and rocks and says you need to know how to hold things, Billy, you need to how to hold them so they won’t get hurt. You need to not hurt things, Billy. You need to not be bad, Billy, you need to not be bad.

Mommy rocks in the chair with the bloody rabbit in her hands and she starts to hum. It’s a song that Billy knows, a song that he remembers. Mommy hums the song and holds the rabbit to her chest, and Billy feels sad cause his Mommy’s eyes look like they are somewhere very far away.

Billy walks over to the chair and puts his hand up close to his Mommy’s face. Even though his hands are bloody, he touches his Mommy’s cheek, and she tilts her head into his hand and looks up at him and she smiles and mumbles something but Billy doesn’t understand what she mumbles and then she mumbles it again and then Billy understands what she means and he knows that he will remember it. Mommy says love, Billy, love.

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