Mike Tyson gets into a horrible car crash in Las Vegas on his way to a buffet at the Bellagio. He wonders if this is karma for biting off Holyfield’s ear, even though he felt justified at the time. At the hospital, he’s told they need to amputate. Both arms clean off. Mike Tyson can’t believe it. Who is he without his award-winning arms? 

His assistant immediately pulls up a list of potential endorsement deals that he may lose, given that he’s already in some financial trouble. Mike Tyson refuses to give up. He repeats his mantra: “I’m just a dreamer who dreams of better days.” He remembers a video he saw about robotic fingers sensitive enough to pinch. All he’s ever needed to do is punch. 

While the assistant is working on contacts to secure a prosthetic, the office gets a call from Dyson, the vacuum company. Dyson is releasing a new line of products with even more attachments, the VP of Marketing says. “The range is unbelievable. We think you could even attach a prosthetic hand.” The assistant stays quiet, having learned this trick when talking to High Powered Individuals. The VP goes on. 

“Imagine a world with … Mike Dyson.” The assistant says nothing. “Our high powered vacuums are curved like a chiseled arm.” The assistant says nothing. “Mike is already superhuman. Iron Mike. Well now, he’ll be all that and more! He’ll be Iron Mike, with Dyson vacuums for arms.” 

The assistant begins taking notes on logistics. A forever partnership. Minimum three hundred million dollar payout, plus royalties. Only the finest doctors to perform the operation. A frontier for bionics, for superhuman performance. A dream deal. 

The assistant shares the news with Mike Tyson. He does some mental math. Three hundred million is what he could have won if he beat that YouTube punk who challenged him online. Mike Tyson asks how much Dyson makes per year. The assistant looks it up. Seven billion dollars. “Double it,” he says. Mike Tyson wishes he could call his mother to tell her that he’s collaborating with Dyson, a company that makes some of the most finely engineered products in the world. 

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The operation goes off without a hitch. This is what happens when you choose partners who are the best in what they do. Every action pays dividends. The primary attachments are prosthetic hands. The vacuum attachments serve as a party trick, a conversation piece. It takes two people to put them on; someone will also need to press the button down to activate the vacuum. It’s sweet to be held this way, Mike Dyson reassures himself. 

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Elon Musk is a billionaire who lives to solve big problems. He reads about Mike Dyson and immediately identifies an issue: he can’t control the vacuum with his mind. An irrefutable burden, he muses. Elon Musk sends Mike Dyson a private message on a social media platform that he owns. Would he like to have a coffee at his house or maybe attend a rocket launch? 

Truthfully, Mike Dyson never thought about Elon Musk until he challenged Mark Zuckerberg to a cage match. Now he’s more than just a suit, he’s a fighter. He agrees to meet with Elon Musk. Mike Dyson misses fighting. 

They meet at Musk’s rocket launch site in Texas, another feat of incredible engineering. Elon pitches his big idea to Mike Dyson: a chip in his brain that can connect to the vacuum. “Think about it,” Musk says as he bites into his Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco. He wipes the orange dust from his mouth with his hand and adds, “nothing tastes as good as American innovation.” 

Mike Dyson shares that he can definitely adapt to this new circumstance and come back better than ever, given that he developed his own unique fighting style to match his smaller stature. Musk looks past him and waves one of the mothers of his children over. Elon Musk met Grimes by sending her a private message on the platform that he now owns, but didn’t own then. He searched for a joke he wanted to make, only to realize that she had made the joke first. He was in awe that someone shared his sense of humor, as he often felt like a misunderstood genius. 

Grimes greets Mike Dyson warmly, marveling at his body manipulation. “That’s so sick!!!!” she chirps. She shows him her pointy faerie ears. It warms his heart that she isn’t afraid. Some people are still weird about that. 

Grimes asks to clip a vacuum attachment onto his plastic wrist joints. She holds the button down while he vacuums some debris off the ground, which makes her very happy. Being a musician, she likes the sound very much. Grimes invites Mike Dyson into her music studio. 

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Grimes’ studio is full of her anime drawings. Her children are also in the studio, playing with synthesizers. Mike Dyson shares stories about his own children, of which he has eight. She says, “I wish that your arms were softer so I could give you a hug.” Mike’s shoulders slump. She wonders what it might be like to be hugged by his thighs, but concludes they are too powerful and it would feel like drowning. She asks Mike Dyson if he reads sci-fi. He doesn’t. 

Grimes explains that she is the head of a House within Elon Musk’s world, and she has bore him children who will have a specific use within his Empire. This is understood between them, and because it’s Epic, serves a higher purpose. This is why Elon Musk cannot be fatherly towards his children. He is more of a sensei, a distributor of roles and titles. Mike Dyson warns Grimes that it’s very important for kids to have father figures. 

Grimes starts looping some beats and whispering into the microphone. She asks Mike Dyson to harmonize with her, on account that they both have lisps. He coos into the microphone. He is very good at sounding ethereal. A glowing orb fills Grimes’ heart. There is kinship. Although Grimes looks nothing like his mother, this makes him think of her. 

They listen back to what they’ve made so far. Grimes clicks an attachment into Mike Dyson’s socket and he pumps his arms up in the air to make a whirring sound. Grimes hits the record button and loops it. “This goes so hard!!!!!!” They vow to collaborate forever. Mike remembers his boxing coach, who taught him everything and lifted him out of truancy. He doesn’t know how to live without being a world class fighter. He has no choice but to shift his focus from beat downs to beats. 

They leak the song on Elon Musk’s social media platform the next day. Grimes releases a sample pack online so that anyone can use the lisp or whirl stems to make their own music. The song becomes a vacuum jingle. Mike Dyson misses fighting.

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Agnes Pyrchla is a Polish-American writer from New York City. She is currently pursuing her MFA at Columbia University.