I found this novel, Walking on Broken Glass, on my hard drive when I was a writer in residence here at Necessary Fiction. I don’t even remember writing this, but apparently, I had 50,000 or so embarrassing words to share about a young girl named Sela and her sexually abusive brother Seth, which is an entirely fictional premise. I have no idea why I wrote this story or how it came to mind. I know I was really young when I wrote it in 1996 and I was really messed up. I abuse ellipses flagrantly. I abuse adjectives and adverbs flagrantly. There is so much melodrama. There are, despite the subject matter, so many laugh out loud moments.
As I started looking through my older work for this project, I realized I have always been interested in writing about the sexual violence women endure, though interested isn’t really the right word. I am obsessed. This topic consumes me and it consumes my writing. I wish it didn’t. I wish I could be free of this in my writing but more often than not, when I sit down to write a story, even when I start somewhere new and different, I end up in the same dark, violent place.
Even though I have been writing about this theme for more than twenty years (I have stories about this as far back as the 9th grade), I would like to think my writing has matured. I would like to think my writing is better, more nuanced and complex, more engaging. I would like to think I am exploring these themes of sexual violence in different, more sophisticated ways. I would like to think someday I will no longer carry this obsession which is not really an obsession. It’s an obsessive need to write my way into understanding why terrible things happen, why bodies are subjected to violence, how surviving is never as easy as it looks and sometimes, how moving on is not possible. When I am honest with myself, I realize I am still trying to write different endings to a story whose ending won’t and can’t ever change and in that, my writing may not have changed as much as I would like.
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Chapter One
Silently, Sela locked her bedroom door and got into bed, pulling the covers around her as a protective wall. In frightened anticipation she lay, as the familiar knock on the door became more insistent. There was a slight pause and Sela prayed that he had given up and left. It had been an eternity of his invasion, and only now was she able to summon up the courage, to try to withstand him. He always told her that there was no use in trying to resist him. For a while she had believed him; a part of her still did, but… A scratching sound from the other side of the door disturbed her reverie. Apprehensively she curled up into a tight ball, firmly shutting her eyes to prevent the impending tears from escaping. Slowly the door opened, and was silently shut a few seconds later. Trying not to show that she was aware of his presence, Sela’s heart stopped as she felt his dark shadow looming above her. As he put one of his cold hands on her shoulder, a low moan came from deep within her. Before she shut the pain out, and took herself away from what was happening, she heard him whisper softly on her ear, “Why are you trying to hurt me? Don’t ever keep me away again; don’t even try,” his masked threat lingering in the air as tears rolled down her face.
The next morning, Sela quickly got out of bed, and rushed to the bathroom, not bothering to lock the door behind her. She knew that she would never be able to stop him, not after last night. Looking into the mirror, she saw a reflection filled with sorrow and pain. For a moment, she pitied the person in the mirror until she realized that she was looking at herself. Sighing, she undressed, stepped into the shower, and began her morning ritual of scrubbing herself until she could only faintly feel the pressure of his hands and body on hers. Some time later she emerged from the bathroom, her skin shriveled and red. She was so deep in thought that she didn’t notice him leaving his bedroom.
Bumping into him, Sela let out a piercing shriek and began pleading with him to leave her alone. Looking at her with surprise, he asked, “What’s wrong with you?’ In disbelief, she pushed past him, and ran down the hallway to her room. Tears came furiously as she dressed, and she wished for a life without him. So overwhelmed, she slid into the softness of her carpet, and lay her head between her legs to calm down. As she regained her composure, she heard the blast of a car horn and went to the window to see who it was. She stuck her head out the window and happily waved to her best friend Toni, and their mutual friend Gabrielle. Hurriedly she pulled herself back in, grabbed what she needed, and flew out of the house without saying good-bye to anyone. Once Sela was in the car, the trio decided to head to the beach. As they made there way there, Sela relaxed slightly, afraid to completely let her guard down. Gabby and Toni picked up on the fact that something was wrong, so they questioned her but pasting a smile on her face, Sela assured them that everything was alright.
Despite her assurances their doubts lingered, so they pressed further, “Seal, you can tell us what’s wrong.”
“I already told you. There’s nothing wrong; case closed. Let’s just drop the subject…Okay,” Sela replied forcefully.
For the duration of the ride , an uncomfortable silence remained, but it disappeared as soon as they were engulfed by the relaxed atmosphere of the beach. Slowly Sela let go of her wariness, and soon her tension ebbed out to sea with the waves creeping to the shore. The three girls quickly found an empty patch of sand, set up a blanket and umbrella, and lay down to tan. Sela, stared out at the water wishing her troubles would stay there, as her friends occupied themselves with having a good time.
A sudden darkness overcame her, and for the second time that morning, she let out a piercing shriek. Turning around abruptly, she yelled, “Don’t touch me,” and ran down the beach, putting as much distance as she could between herself and her fear. Toni, Gabby, and Sela’s boyfriend Trey, were left staring after her in surprise. They were getting curious looks from the other beach goers, so they moved to a more secluded area. Confused but concerned, Trey said, “I was just trying to surprise her. What did I do wrong?” Without waiting for an answer, he ran down the shore after her. A short while later, Trey found Sela sitting on an outcrop of rocks shaking and crying. So as not to disturb her, he sat quietly next to her, and the two sat side by side watching the water.
After a long silence, he gently asked, “What’s wrong? Lately you’ve avoided me, you flinch every time I try and touch you. I feel as if I have done something wrong, but I just don’t know what it is. Talk to me Sela… Please!”
Hesitantly she turned to him, and said softly, “It has nothing to do with you, but there is nothing you can do to help me.
“Don’t say that! I want to be here for you. I can, but I need to know what is causing you so much pain. I will understand; I swear,” Trey answered.
Another silence followed, but finally, Sela whispered, “I don’t know what to tell you. Actually, I don’t know how to tell you. My problem is something that you couldn’t imagine in your wildest dream. No, No, you couldn’t imagine this in your worst nightmare.”
More concerned, Trey pressed, “Give me a chance. You can’t keep what ever is bothering you to yourself for much longer. You don’t talk to Gabby or Toni, or anyone else. Who knows what will happen if you keep this up? Let me in. Sela. I’m begging you!”
Slowly, Sela answered, “I’ll tell you, only because I know you’ll leave me alone afterwards. “ Trey started to protest, but she cut him off. “Let me get this out,” she shouted, and continued shakingly, “Seth… Seth… He comes to my room at night. It’s happened since I was a little kid… I try to stop him, I try, I really do, but…” With this last word uttered, a damn of tears exploded, and she began to cry for all the times she hadn’t been able to.
Although she had not said much, Trey understood fully. Putting his arms around her, Trey took her into his arms, and said in a shocked voice, “I’m so sorry. I had no idea, but I do believe you, I do; and I’m not going anywhere believe me.” As he held her, Trey was overcome with shock, unable to fully absorb what he had just learned. It wasn’t that he couldn’t believe that his girlfriend had been abused, it was that Seth was her brother.
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Chapter Two
After Sela had calmed down, she and Trey decided to head back to Gabby and Toni, who were waiting with worried expressions lining their faces. As they neared, Gabby and Toni noticed the expression on Trey’s face, and were instantly frightened. “What’s going on,” Gabby asked apprehensively, “I hate to say this, but you both look terrible.” Before she could answer, Sela saw her brother ambling in their direction with an arrogant smirk on his face. Trey’s face turned a bright shade of red, as he tried to control his mounting anger.
When Seth reached the group, he demanded, “Where have you been all day, sis? I’ve been looking for you. I was worried about you.”
Sela looked down at the sand, and murmured, “What do you want Seth?”
Grinning at his sister, Seth answered, “I just wanted to see how my little sister is doing.”
Unable to control himself any longer, Trey clenched his fist, drew it back, and aimed directly for Seth’s stomach. “Don’t you ever go near her again, or I swear to God, I will kill you,” he seethed.
Seth appeared shocked, and yelled back, “I have no idea what the hell is going on, but you definitely have the wrong guy. I’m her brother for God’s sake.”
Trey inhaled, and in angered tone said, “You know exactly what I am talking about, but I won’t mention it here on the beach. Just follow my advice. Stay away from Sela; get some help, or get out of her life or whatever, as long as you never hurt her again!”
Well aware that Trey was about to strike Seth again, Sela pulled Trey towards her and told him to leave Seth alone. Her two friends gave Seth a confused glance, but followed Trey and Sela to the parking lot. Once caught up to them, Gabby asked, “Please tell us what that was all about. What is going on?” Sela took a deep breath and proceeded to tell her friends her story from beginning to end. When she was finally through, she was emotionally drained, but she felt some what better. Trey was more shocked than before, but now disgust also filled his emotions. Gabby and Toni shook their heads sadly, their eyes brimming with tears.
Haltingly, Toni asked, “Why didn’t let us know earlier. I don’t know what we would have done, but we could have helped you; somehow…”
Sela, paused, and answered, “I just didn’t know how to tell you. This isn’t something that you casually mention in conversation. If my father ever found out, he would never believe me, and even if he did it wouldn’t matter because something like this would kill him. It’s hard enough for me to have with this, without having to deal with someone else’s pain as well.”
Simultaneously, the three replied, “We believe you,“ although they knew that their words could not help much. Sela gave them a weak smile and uttered, “Thanks.”
The four headed to their cars, but before they parted, Gabby told Sela, “Why don’t you spend the night at my house? We could have a girls-only slumber party.” Sela agreed and Trey took her home to get some clothes for the night. During the ride home, Trey was grasping with his feelings, unsure what he should do. He tried to talk to her, but couldn’t fearing that he would say the wrong thing; fearing that he might break down in front of her. “Breaking down is the worst thing I can do for her. I have to be strong; I have to support her,” Trey thought to himself. When he pulled up to her house, Trey took her hand and held it firmly, saying quietly, “I want to come in with you.” Sela didn’t protest, and together they entered her house, where they found Seth sitting in the family room nursing his injured chest. Not wanting another confrontation they hurried past him, and up the stairs. Quickly, Sela threw a few clothes, and a toothbrush into her backpack, and wrote her father a note, explaining her plans for the night. Just as she and Trey were leaving, Seth appeared, barring the doorway and said, “Where do you think you are going?”
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Chapter Three
Boldly, Sela looked her brother in the eyes, and stated firmly, “I’m going out with Trey, and then I’m going to spend the night at Gabby’s house. Acting braver than she really felt, she tried to push past her brother. In one forceful motion, Seth extended his arm to the wall, making the way impassable. Trey stepped forward to move Seth out of their way, but decided against it as Sela pulled at his sleeve, motioning for him to let it alone.
“I don’t think you’re going anywhere,” Seth threatened.
“I am, Seth and you can’t stop me. You’re not my father,” Sela retorted.
Suddenly backing down, Seth removed his arm, and let the couple pass, shouting after them, “I’ll be waiting for you when you return, little sis.” Ignoring him, Trey and Sela got back into the car and sped off. In front of Gabby’s house, Trey gave Sela a tender kiss, not wanting to push her, but to let her know that he still loved her. They exchanged good-byes when Gabby and Toni came outside, shooing Trey away. After watching him go, the three girls went to Gabby’s room to prepare for a night of fun. Later that night, as Gabby and Toni lay sleeping, Sela remained awake, staring at the ceiling afraid to fall asleep. Her muscles tensed at the slightest noise and her heart pounded with fear. Images of Seth in Gabby’s bedroom waiting to pounce on her haunted every thought. Slowly she drifted into an uneasy sleep, tossing and turning, plagued by a persistent fear that would not go away.
Sela awoke to the blackness of the night, terror welling inside her as she felt a hand covering her mouth, preventing her, from crying for help. Thrashing from side to side, she tried ardently to free herself from his grasp. She turned her head, trying to look at Gabby and Toni, to get their attention, but they just wouldn’t wake up. All Sela felt was despair as she realized that there was no one who could help her. “Here I am sleeping right next to two people, and they don’t see what’s happening,” she thought despondently. In an act of sacrifice; an act of self-preservation, she stopped moving around and submit herself to his efforts. She tried to take herself away like she usually did, but she just wasn’t able to. As he descended upon her, she could contain herself no longer, and let out a scream that frightened even her.
Suddenly, Sela felt herself being shaken. She tried to move away, but as her eyes adjusted to the light she saw Gabby staring down at her, and Toni trying to wake her up. She looked at the clock, and realized that it was the middle of the night, but she was unable to say a word. “You’re awake. Good. Why were you screaming like that,” Toni asked.
Sela trembled and uttered, “I had a bad dream; it was nothing… I’m just not used to… getting a good night’s sleep. Go back to bed. I’ll be fine.”
Toni and Gabby looked at each other doubtfully, but they turned out the lights and tried to get back to sleep. Sela remained awake for a while longer, but she soon assured herself that she was safe for the night, and fell into a fitful slumber. The next morning, the first thing Sela saw was Gabby and Toni staring down at her again, waiting for her to wake up. They smiled at her hesitantly, and asked how she was doing. Rubbing her eyes, Sela told them she was fine, excusing herself to the bathroom. Once inside it’s safety, she began her daily ritual, but slowly realized that it wasn’t really necessary. Stepping out of the shower, she glanced into the mirror and began to cry as she was hit with the full impact of what she was going through. Returning to Gabby’s room was the last thing Sela wanted to do. She didn’t want to feel their anxiety and endure the tension present. For a moment she wished she could follow the water down the drain and disappear.
Back in the bedroom, Gabby and Toni were trying to cope with what Sela had confessed the day before. “I don’t know what to think… What’s worse, I just don’t know how to act around her or what to say. I mean, what if we do the wrong thing, or say the wrong thing, and end up hurting her even more,” Toni said.
Gabby paused and answered, “I hear you. The same thoughts have gone through my mind. I know we all have problems, but I never thought that a friend of mine… I never thought that I would know someone who has been sexually abused; let alone by her brother. What do we do? Do we just act like nothing has happened; pretend that she never told us? Do we ask her if she wants to talk about it,” Gabby continued, her voice mounting with tension.
“For now we should be there for her when she needs us. I’m no expert, but I do know that Sela needs as many people supporting her as possible,” Toni cut in.
“I guess you’re right.” Gabby responded, but before she could continue, Sela entered the room and her friends pasted smiles on their faces. “Did you have a good shower,” Gabby questioned her hesitantly.
Sela looked at her strangely, and said, “What kind of question is that-‘Did I have a good shower’?”
“I was just trying to start a conversation; you don’t have to jump down my throat,” Gabby retorted defensively.
“I’m going home. I really want to be alone right now. Thanks for having me over, Gabs. I’ll call you later.
“Do you think that it’s a good idea to go home? Why don’t you just hang out here for a while longer?”
“What are you talking about? Seth will always be around. I can’t hide out here forever, because that won’t make my problems go away. I don’t want to talk about this right now… I have to go,” Sela finished, got her bag, and ran out. She walked home slowly, to sort her thoughts out, but it didn’t work so she resigned herself to merely walking.
At Gabby’s house, Gabby and Toni were speechless. “What did we say? I was only trying to help Sela by asking her to stay,” Gabby stuttered.
“We have to accept the fact that Sela isn’t the same. We’ve known it for a while, but we weren’t ready to accept it. Sela will come to is when she really needs us,” answered Toni distantly.
A few miles away Sela walked the last few meters up her driveway. Seth, who was sitting on their porch, stared at her, a cold expression masking his features. As she neared, he rose from where he was sitting, and went to meet her. Grabbing her arm tightly, he seethed through clenched teeth, “Tell me what you told your friends right now.”
Struggling against his grasp, Sela protested, “Let go of me, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You know exactly what I am talking about. How could you? How could you tell complete strangers about our secret? I’ve loved you since you were a little girl, Seal. How could you betray my feelings for you?”
“You think that I betrayed you. Sure, you’ve loved me since I was a little girl, but your view of what love is, is really distorted” Sela spat back.
“NO I don’t,” Seth retorted his voice rising, “We’ve always had a special relationship. We are much more than just brother and sister.”
“NO, NO, NO. We are not! Stop talking like that. What we have is not special. It’s…it’s disgusting, it’s perverted, and it has destroyed my life. Let go of me… now!”
“I’m not letting you go, but we are moving this conversation inside. There is no need to bother the neighbors with our private lives. Come on,” Seth said, pulling Sela into the house with him. Once inside the house, Seth pushed Sela onto the couch, and started unbuckling his belt. “I’m going to prove to you that our relationship is special.”
Sela’s eyes grew wide. “Please Seth, not now. Please not now,” she begged.
“But don’t you want me to show you how much I love you?”
“No I don’t; you don’t love me. How many times do I have to say it to you. Don’t touch me,” Sela shouted as he tried to caress her. “Or… I’ll kill you I swear to God, I will.”
“What did you just say?”
“I said don’t touch me. I won’t let you rape me ever again,” she warned.
“That’s what you call what we do? I have never raped you; I’ve only loved you.”
“Stop saying that. Stop saying that you love me because you don’t. Can’t you get that through your head?
Seth loosened his grip on his sister for a moment, pondering what she had just said. For a moment, Sela thought that she had gotten through to him. As his grip tightened again, her fear began to mount. His face was full of an anger she had never seen before; an anger so deep and controlling that she could no longer reach him. Instinctively, Sela curled into a tight ball on the couch and started whimpering softly. As she lay there helpless, awaiting his punishment, Sela searched for the courage she had felt taking a stand against him only minutes earlier. He began running his hands over her body, and her heart pounded as she desperately wondered what to do. Suddenly she pushed him away, stood up, and ran for her bedroom. Seth froze for a moment, surprised at her resistance, but recovered quickly and chased after her. Before she reached the top of the staircase, he caught hold of her by her jeans and pulled her down to him, ignoring her protests. “Is this the way you want it,” Seth asked angrily. “Because if you do, that’s the way you’ll get it.” In response Sela started to wildly throw punches at her brother, but she was stopped as Seth struck her squarely in the face. The impact of the blow, caused her to lose her strength and she weakened under the pressure of his body. Before blacking out, Sela looked in her brother’s eyes, unable to recognize him, and thought, “I tried to fight him. I tried.”