Last year my collection of police reports Checked Out OK was published by Factory Hollow Press. I consider the book as something of a found poem, and I appreciate the condensed, highly charged narratives in the various items. I collected hundreds of the entries, concentrating on the absurd instances of nothing happening, things that were gone when police arrived, and strange behavior.

This week I found the Greenfield, Massachusetts, police report for the prior week posted directly on a blog. Usually I see them in the local newspaper. It’s interesting to see the sheer volume of calls and the difference in writing style between these items and their edited versions in the paper. My favorites are in the Amherst Bulletin—their style is terse and essential, from the Carver school of writing, I’d say. Which, along with the sometimes daffy, sometimes evanescent nature of what they are reporting, is what makes them poetic.

I felt a bit like a voyeur reading these on the GPD site, as opposed to the newspaper. Not much has been redacted, and what was is censored ineptly. The residents of Greenfield, a small city, seem peevish and full of anxiety this week. Outside of traffic incidents, reports involving child custody problems and domestic assaults seem to dominate them. Lots of people yelling that they want their stuff back.

They remind me of my introduction to the city: a summer I spent on grand jury. It was punitive. We met so often I even wound up going on a bike ride with an undercover state cop afterward. The best part was looking out the window in the morning and seeing the vultures and ravens gyring on the thermals above the hills.

So, here, I gleaned some of the more amusing entries from the week’s worth I found on the GPD. RP stands for Reporting Party—everyone is a party in the police reports, but no one is having much fun:

RP AND HER HUSBAND STATE THAT THEY HAD FRIENDS STAYING WITH
THEM FOR THE PAST TWO WEEKS AND THAT ONE OF THE PEOPLE STOLE
THEIR TOBACCO FOR CIGARETTES. RPS STATE THAT THEY ATTEMPTED
TO GET THEIR ITEM BACK FROM THEIR FRIENDS BUT THEY REFUSED
TO RETURN IT. RPS ESTIMATE THE VALUE OF THEIR TOBACCO TO BE
$10 BUT THEY STATE THEY ARE ON SSI AND THE FEMALE HAS ADHD
AND NEEDS HER CIGARETTES. ADVISED THE PARTIES ON THEIR
OPTIONS TO SEEK THEIR OWN CHARGES IN COURT AND ON THE PROPER
USE OF 911

RP states that there is a white pickup truck with a camper
on the back that says US Beef on the side with 2 male
parties in it going door to do in the area trying to sell
steaks.

RP reporting she struck a deer, she is uninjured but the
deer appears to still be alive

SPOKE WITH THE MALE HALF OF THIS DISTURBANCE. HE STATED THAT
HE JUST WANTED TO GET HIS TURTLE AND CELL PHONE TONIGHT.

Spoke with Rp who stated that she believes her books were
taken off her back porch by one of her neighbors. Same
stated that her neighbor “Bob the transvestite” took her
books. Rp stated “Bob the transvestite” used psychic
knowledge to know which books are valuable to her.
Attempting to locate “Bob”. Under investigation.

Walk in reporting their internet was hacked.