Editor’s Note: Until I started digging through my archives for today’s feature I had blocked the trauma of most of my bad writing. Apparently, in 1996, I wrote a novel called Walking on Broken Glass. I have absolutely no memory of writing this novel. It is… deranged. I skimmed it and I thought, “whoever wrote this should probably be in an institution.” Seriously, the middle chapters are just… gonzo. I’m kind of proud of myself. I went all out. The novel is full of violence and drama and terrible terrible writing and I was, apparently, able to sustain this madness for 48,998 words! I was a writing fool at 22. I have no idea why I would write something like this. It’s entirely fictional for once. Without further ado, the first chapter of the first and only novel I’ve ever written.
Chapter One
Silently, Sela locked her bedroom door and got into bed, pulling the covers around her as a protective wall. In frightened anticipation she lay, as the familiar knock on the door became more insistent. There was a slight pause and Sela prayed that he had given up and left. It had been an eternity of his invasion, and only now was she able to summon up the courage, to try to withstand him. He always told her that there was no use in trying to resist him. For a while she had believed him; a part of her still did, but …. A scratching sound from the other side of the door disturbed her reverie. Apprehensively she curled up into a tight ball, firmly shutting her eyes to prevent the impending tears from escaping. Slowly the door opened, and was silently shut a few seconds later. Trying not to show that she was aware of his presence, Sela’s heart stopped as she felt his dark shadow looming above her. As he put one of his cold hands on her shoulder, a low moan came from deep within her. Before she shut the pain out, and took herself away from what was happening, she heard him whisper softly on her ear, “Why are you trying to hurt me? Don’t ever keep me away again; don’t even try,” his masked threat lingering in the air as tears rolled down her face.
The next morning, Sela quickly got out of bed, and rushed to the bathroom, not bothering to lock the door behind her. She knew that she would never be able to stop him, not after last night. Looking into the mirror, she saw a reflection filled with sorrow and pain. For a moment, she pitied the person in the mirror until she realized that she was looking at herself. Sighing, she undressed, stepped into the shower, and began her morning ritual of scrubbing herself until she could only faintly feel the pressure of his hands and body on hers. Some time later she emerged from the bathroom, her skin shriveled and red. She was so deep in thought that she didn’t notice him leaving his bedroom.
Bumping into him, Sela let out a piercing shriek and began pleading with him to leave her alone. Looking at her with surprise, he asked, “What’s wrong with you?’ In disbelief, she pushed past him, and ran down the hallway to her room. Tears came furiously as she dressed, and she wished for a life without him. So overwhelmed, she slid into the softness of her carpet, and lay her head between her legs to calm down. As she regained her composure, she heard the blast of a car horn and went to the window to see who it was. She stuck her head out the window and happily waved to her best friend Toni, and their mutual friend Gabrielle. Hurriedly she pulled herself back in, grabbed what she needed, and flew out of the house without saying good-bye to anyone. Once Sela was in the car, the trio decided to head to the beach. As they made there way there, Sela relaxed slightly, afraid to completely let her guard down. Gabby and Toni picked up on the fact that something was wrong, so they questioned her but pasting a smile on her face, Sela assured them that everything was alright.
Despite her assurances their doubts lingered, so they pressed further, “Seal, you can tell us what’s wrong.”
“I already told you. There’s nothing wrong; case closed. Let’s just drop the subject…Okay,” Sela replied forcefully.
For the duration of the ride , an uncomfortable silence remained, but it disappeared as soon as they were engulfed by the relaxed atmosphere of the beach. Slowly Sela let go of her wariness, and soon her tension ebbed out to sea with the waves creeping to the shore. The three girls quickly found an empty patch of sand, set up a blanket and umbrella, and lay down to tan. Sela, stared out at the water wishing her troubles would stay there, as her friends occupied themselves with having a good time.
A sudden darkness overcame her, and for the second time that morning, she let out a piercing shriek. Turning around abruptly, she yelled, “Don’t touch me,” and ran down the beach, putting as much distance as she could between herself and her fear. Toni, Gabby, and Sela’s boyfriend Trey, were left staring after her in surprise. They were getting curious looks from the other beach goers, so they moved to a more secluded area. Confused but concerned, Trey said, “I was just trying to surprise her. What did I do wrong?” Without waiting for an answer, he ran down the shore after her. A short while later, Trey found Sela sitting on an outcrop of rocks shaking and crying. So as not to disturb her, he sat quietly next to her, and the two sat side by side watching the water.
After a long silence, he gently asked, “What’s wrong? Lately you’ve avoided me, you flinch every time I try and touch you. I feel as if I have done something wrong, but I just don’t know what it is. Talk to me Sela… Please!”
Hesitantly she turned to him, and said softly, “It has nothing to do with you, but there is nothing you can do to help me.
“Don’t say that! I want to be here for you. I can, but I need to know what is causing you so much pain. I will understand; I swear,” Trey answered.
Another silence followed, but finally, Sela whispered, “I don’t know what to tell you. Actually, I don’t know how to tell you. My problem is something that you couldn’t imagine in your wildest dream. No, No, you couldn’t imagine this in your worst nightmare.”
More concerned, Trey pressed, “Give me a chance. You can’t keep what ever is bothering you to yourself for much longer. You don’t talk to Gabby or Toni, or anyone else. Who knows what will happen if you keep this up? Let me in. Sela. I’m begging you!”
Slowly, Sela answered, “I’ll tell you, only because I know you’ll leave me alone afterwards. “ Trey started to protest, but she cut him off. “Let me get this out,” she shouted, and continued shakingly, “Seth… Seth… He comes to my room at night. It’s happened since I was a little kid… I try to stop him, I try, I really do, but…” With this last word uttered, a damn of tears exploded, and she began to cry for all the times she hadn’t been able to.
Although she had not said much, Trey understood fully. Putting his arms around her, Trey took her into his arms, and said in a shocked voice, “I’m so sorry. I had no idea, but I do believe you, I do; and I’m not going anywhere believe me.” As he held her, Trey was overcome with shock, unable to fully absorb what he had just learned. It wasn’t that he couldn’t believe that his girlfriend had been abused, it was that Seth was her brother.
Copyright @1996 Roxane Gay
PLEASE NOTE HOW I MADE A POINT OF COPYRIGHTING MY LITTLE CHAPTER. I WANT TO HUG 1996 ME. SHE JUST DIDN’T KNOW ANY BETTER.