From the dogmatic vade mecum of the passionistas, Epistles 29 – 45, commonly referred to as: The Joy of the Ecclesia
As unseemly as the punishment regimen may appear, the integration of our enemies into the ecclesia is necessary for the higher vibration of souls. And so the celebration of the harvest and the subsuming of foreign dirt should coincide. Pain is temporary, and the hidden inner-nature of human dirt is luminous. We should be grateful that we live during an enlightened age. So that the quartering sacrifice, the splitting of skulls, the dismemberment of digits, the castration, the poking out of eyes, the branding of flesh—while justifiable under the sun and the moon, given the mutable and plain nature of human dirt and the fact of the gem within—these methods are no more, and the joy of the ecclesia may be achieved without drawing blood, severing the body, or raising blisters. The mass graves of yesteryear, though forgivable, are no longer open for business but remain static monuments to our might and merely exemplary.
Take heed. Alien dirt must be dealt with. These foreigners must be shown the way. But the application of a gentler gauntlet will be rewarded elevenfold under the sun and the moon. The grievous supplication of our enemies can be achieved by binding the human dirt to a floor-bolted iron straight back, ankles to front chair legs, and hands to chair back, for the required punishment regimen.
Witness: the forehead may be bound to the top of the iron straight back, so the mouth and nostrils are elevated and gaping. Chiles soaked in water jugs brew a stinging liquid that is equivalent to fire with respect to the transformation of souls, to burn at the source of alien utterances, so our own sweet language may take root. This stinging brew is poured into the human vessel. Repeatedly. Chili water is recommended to hasten the duration of the punishment regimen. In time, the human dirt will join the ecclesia, so the eventual result is the achievement of joy. In this way we root out the defiled source of foreignness without excess damage to the human vessel. Human dirt will grow vines. Human dirt will bear fruit. Human dirt will serve.
For our own, when persuasion has not lead to the outcome of a good nature, the iron straight back remedies our own dirt just as it aids in the purification of the dirt of our enemies. Our human dirt look up to us, as the source of divine knowledge and earthly foreknowledge, just as our enemies fear us. The process is similar, though the unguent is more kind. Pouring rose water or thin honey into the human vessel leads to the sweetened nature. Meanwhile, the unbendable iron frames of the straight back can also be bound together into rows of pews for worship.
We are the answer.
We supply the code.
Many blessings under the sun and the moon.
We are all one in the joy of the ecclesia.
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From an open debate in the special assembly, formal remarks by Speaker and Lord Chancellor Shrubnosis, titled, “Defending a Just Peace”
New threats require new thinking. The gravest danger to freedom lies at the perilous crossroads of radicalism and technology. We cannot put our faith in the word of tyrants, who solemnly sign treaties, and then systematically break them. If we wait for threats to fully materialize, we will have waited too long. (Applause).
Peace will not be won on the defensive. We must take the battle to the enemy, disrupt his plans, and confront the worst threats before they emerge. In the world we have entered, the only path to safety is the path of action. And this nation will act. (Applause).
Our security will require a military that must be ready to strike at a moment’s notice in any dark corner of the world. And our security will require us all to be forward-looking and resolute, to be ready for pre-emptive action when necessary to defend our lifestyles and to defend our lives. (Sustained applause).
The work ahead is difficult. We will not leave our safety and the peace of the world at the mercy of a few mad tyrants. We will lift this dark threat. (Applause).
As we defend the peace, we also have a historic opportunity to preserve the peace. We stand for more than the absence of war. We have a great opportunity to extend a just peace, by replacing poverty, repression, and resentment around the world with the hope of a better day. (Standing ovation and chants of “Kill the Brutes!”)
May our banner never waver and may we all find benediction under the sun and the moon. (Lord Chancellor is re-robed by attendants. Lord Chancellor exits the hall.)
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From the widely distributed pamphlet, “How to Make a Killing Manufacturing Straight Backs”
Of the two types, the two-piece iron-framed straight back, and the one-piece iron-framed straight back, the former has the advantage of a simpler construction, and therefore a more streamlined manufacturing process. The easiest production of the two-piece iron frame requires a flat stone mold into which the molten iron is poured, with the wooden seat and wooden chair back utilized to bind the two pieces of iron frame into a chair. Frames of this type resemble the figures: h h. The two-piece frames can be more easily stored and the straight backs quickly assembled in accordance with demand. Frames may also be sold to wood artisans, but only when the workmanship can be guaranteed, since it is advantageous for the frame manufacturer to be able to produce his own straight backs at a lower cost. Therefore the wood for seats and chair backs should be durable. Wood may be decorative, but not to the degree that might inhibit production time or require the employment of specialized labor. We recommend pine, maple, or apple wood. Stencils should speed the addition of carvings, engravings, etchings, inlays, or textures. Popular designs of the sun and the moon can also be applied in this way. Encourage artisans in your employ to provide their own chisels and blades, so they won’t be tempted to steal them.
The one-piece iron-framed straight back requires the frame to be formed into a full three-dimensional skeleton of the chair, with wooden seat and wooden chair back affixed for utility of the chair, with the primary difference in straight back types that the wooden pieces of a one-piece straight back are not necessary for holding the chair frame together. The frame of the one-piece straight back consists of a rectangle (back) and square (seat) that meet at a square angle (angle to resemble the figure: L), with four straight legs that descend from each point of the square, also at square angles. Each of these joints must be melted together and the angles must be square.
The advantage of the one-piece frame straight back is its perceived durability and an understanding that the more time-intensive manufacturing process justifies a higher price. These straight backs, though more difficult to make and store, may fetch triple or quadruple the price of the two-piece frame straight backs, and so a lucrative business can be built on such a foundation. The one-piece straight back manufacturer depends on fewer sales, and so he may also choose to specialize with more ornate seat carvings. The two-piece straight back manufacturer depends on a volume business, and so he relies more on the speed of production and sheer numbers of chairs. Since the two-piece straight back is assumed to be of lesser quality, the application of carvings by skilled artisans may not contribute to profits in any measurable way.
It has often been said that the two-piece straight back is for times of war and the one-piece for times of peace, with the ironic exception that the members of the special assembly prefer the one-piece for its perceived status, while the rumor has long circulated that the special assembly prefers the solid design as a better defense against swords, should the special assembly be overrun.
From “A Tax Table of Average Wages,” as defined by occupation.*
* Wages are believed to be per week, with workweek speculated at between 30-50 hours, depending on season (hours of sunlight), fluctuated for demand. No known system of tips, bonuses, or further compensation has been established. However, it is likely money changed hands outside the recognized tax structure. While the monetary system was often in flux, scholars believe that at this time there were eleven wents per fennel. Gold pieces remained a separate currency, quite valuable and only exchanged among wealthier classes.
Fire tender, ironworks, manufacturer. 5 f 2 w
Ironworks miner, ore laborer. 4 f 8 w
Ironworks iron smith. 7 f
Water tender, ironworks, male. 3 f 6 w
Water tender, ironworks, female. 2 f
Cook, ironworks, male. 4 f 4 w
Cook, ironworks, female. 2 f
Prostitute. 4 f
Soldier, intraregional. 6 f
Battle soldier, voluntary. 7 f
Battle soldier, conscription. 4 f
Joiner, ironworks. 4 f 6 w
Joiner, ironworks, skilled. 8 f 4 w 1 g
Wood artisan, unskilled, male. 3 f 9 w
Wood artisan, unskilled, female. 2 f
Wood artisan, semiskilled. 4 f 2 w
Wood artisan, skilled. 18 f 9 w 4 g
Message courier, intraregional. 4 f
Message courier, literate scribe, intraregional. 18 f
Message courier, long distance. 35 f
Goods courier, intraregional. 22 f
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From a scroll, dictated to an unknown courier, identified by the mark: xmn. The scroll is addressed: “Giovanni Dregs to his intended, Cassia Brown.”^*^
* Scroll assumed to have been delivered and read aloud.
Made it to the city and got a job. I have tried to send money but couriers are untrustworthy. When I get enough I will return to bring you back myself. Please be patient.
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Written on the back of the same scroll is this poem believed to have been penned by a literate courier to pass the time. He is identified only by his mark, a glyph of characters similar to xmn. This is the only known surviving piece of literature from this period that wasn’t state-sanctioned and therefore not characterized by one of the following themes: for the glorification of the Lord Chancellor, in praise of the bounty of the region, in praise of the fortitude and cunning of the armed guard, in praise of the beauty of select women of high station, in praise of the worship of the sun and the moon, in celebration of the harvest, in celebration of the ecclesia. This poem is referred to as “The Whatever Poem” and it is often cited as representative of the true feeling of the people and the times. The following is a disputed translation, but also the best-known, a collaboration between the classics scholar Andrew Lyon and the poet, John Tesh. Not that John Tesh. The poet.
Whatever doesn’t lift the lid of you
peel you back and unmend you
piece you apart
burn you to the ground
make you from scratch
boil you in a bag
underline
punctuate
or hyphenate you
Whatever doesn’t unwind and unkind you
trick or lick you
bake you on a sheet
sell you down the river
keep you on ice
kick you in the ass
use you
bruise you
Whatever doesn’t peel you
shell you
expose or hose you
count you backwards
light you and smoke you
Whatever doesn’t pickle or poison you
tourniquet or tangle you
ice you on a platter
lay you to waste
or box and crate you
Whatever doesn’t put you to pasture
kick and curse
fuck and defile
unmask and unmarry you
hasten hurt or hate
Whatever doesn’t flip the switch of you
burn braise or blister you
bugger and bury you
bitch you and break you
cream you or kill you
Whatever doesn’t barter you
or martyr you
Whatever doesn’t cage cripple or incarcerate you
enrage or unempower you
spit you out and chew you
Whatever doesn’t swallow and eat you
What doesn’t erase or delete you
debase or excrete you
It masters you
Like the punishment regimen or the iron straight back chair
It fucking masters you
John Minichillo has work forthcoming at FRiGG, Moon Milk Review, Triple-Quick Fiction, and the Norton Hint Fiction anthology. His work has appeared in Mississippi Review, Smokelong, Wigleaf, and several others. He teaches fiction writing at Middle Tennessee State University and lives in Nashville with his wife and a bushel of beasts.