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Sleepwalking Man

Dan Morone gets up at the sound of the alarm clock and makes his way to the kitchen. He starts the coffeemaker. He knows that he’s still sleeping. He laughs. His wife kisses him on the cheek on her way to the coffeemaker.

Wake up, Dan, she says.

Dan laughs. I’m awake, he says.

But Dan is still sleeping as he showers, shaves, and gets dressed for the office. He looks in the full length mirror and tells himself to wake up. Then he laughs.

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The bus stop is unoccupied until the woman with the pillow for a face arrives. She smiles at Dan and says, Good morning.

Dan says, I’m still sleeping. Then he laughs.

On the bus, Dan sleeps through his stop. He has to walk a few extra blocks back to his office. He bumps into a few people along the way and almost steps into traffic. He laughs at the sound of the car horns in the street.

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Dan puts his head down on his desk. Something is wrong with his computer. The thermos he brought from home is empty. He forgot to put on socks. There’s a bird flying though the office but nobody notices. Dan laughs.

Elaine, his officemate, says, You’re doing it again, Dan.

Dan says, I’m awake. He laughs and Elaine laughs. She makes a loud snoring sound and then Dan makes a loud snoring sound.

Dan’s boss calls him upstairs. Bring the quarterly report, he says.

Funny thing about the quarterly report: It was done and printed days ago—at the close of the quarter. But Dan can’t find it.

Elaine says, Wake up, Dan. You’re sitting on the quarterly report.

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Dan’s boss comes to work without clothes on. Nobody in the office says anything about it. His hair is red, his face is red, and the walls of his large office are red.

You look tired, Dan’s boss says.

Dan laughs. I’m awake, he says.

Dan’s boss flips though the pages of the quarterly report and floats to the ceiling. He says to Dan, I am happy with these numbers.

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Dan’s standing in front of the snack machine in the breakroom, thinking of the way his backyard used to smell when his mom was doing laundry in the basement. One day he traced the source of the scent to the dryer vent. He curled himself around the dryer vent and fell asleep beneath its warm exhaust.

Fuller puts a dollar into the snack machine and makes his selection. Dan watches Fuller’s M&Ms fall from the snack rack. Fuller says, Wake up, Dan.

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Dan calls home and his wife picks up quickly, before the first ring is complete. She whispers, Hello.

Dan says, Hi, honey.

Dan, she says, still whispering. The baby is napping. Don’t call during naptime.

She hangs up the phone quietly.

Dan laughs.

Elaine says, What’s so funny, Dan?

Dan says, It’s baby’s naptime.

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