Date: Fri, 21 Jun 2002 11:04:09
Subject: Congratulations!
From: skipsvskip@hotmail.com
To: reginespersonal@hotmail.com
Regine,
Congratulations on your appointment as VP of Marketing at BBKVD. Read of it in this morning’s paper.
Also, by simultaneous coincidence, it turns out that we are classmates! Sort of—you graduated four years before I did. This classmates.com site keeps sending me email with information about the people who went to my high school and inviting me to subscribe for their premium services and I can’t figure out how to unsubscribe from their spam.
Amazing that we knew each other for all those years, worked alongside each other as teammates, and never once made that connection, that we were both fellow Maine East Blue Devils. I always thought that was a lame mascot. And you were on the varsity volleyball team! Who knew? So anyway that’s where I got your personal email address (and now you have mine—I don’t know about you but my old OGVB email address stopped working the morning that you fired me).
Anyway, I’m glad to see that you’ve landed on your feet, with an important job (I bet they’ll give you the Camel account) and a six-figure-plus salary. It sounds like this will be in even better job than the one you had at OGVB.
Amazing recovery. You’re like Teflon. Various messes never stick to you but instead like rotten eggs roll right off and land on your underlings. Where they stick.
While your accusations of wrongdoing preceding my departure from what I now think of as the generally “dishonest work” we were doing at OGVB remain false as they ever were, I’m willing to let bygones be bygones because Regine, I’ve landed on my feet as well! Actually on my pedals!
Every day is something new. This morning I collided with two different slow-moving cars. Just clipped by a Lexus and slightly sideswiped by an Explorer. I suppose I could have hit them both with lawsuits since the accidents were clearly their faults but it was like water off a duck’s bill, Regine, I just took my lumps and kept moving, no serious injuries.
And I zoom through traffic. Cabbies hate my guts but the packages get there on time. I do more in a day that has more impact on the world than we did in a month at OGVB. And I make rent and have some left over to rent videos besides! and it’s a real adventure, Regine, a real treat to find excitement in every day. I suppose at your new job you won’t get much exercise, you’ll probably just sit on your fat ass as it gets fatter, dreaming of volleyball.
Oh, Berto, you remember Berto, your favorite copywriter? He had a nervous breakdown after the shakeup that only you knew was coming went down. Not that you’d care.
Anyway, Regine, just wanted to drop you a note to say thanks for your help in liberating me from the apparatus.
Also you have always been, and remain, a world-class bitch.
May your new lieutenants cover their asses and locate your Achilles heel before you sacrifice them as lambs to the slaughter.
Skip