Years of going to México with your dad, and y’all still haven’t found her. He packs up the truck without speaking, but shortly after you climb in, he calls you to his side.
“Salte de la troca, you need to get ready.”
You’re little but old enough for your words to matter when crossing, old enough to know your answers need to match. Eyes up, but not too up. Don’t mess around.
“Hablas inglés?”
“Yes.”
“What’s your full name?”
“Refugio Moreno.”
“Is that the name on your birth certificate?”
“No, it’s Refugio Moreno de las Casas.”
“Where were you born?”
“El Valle, Arizona. Corazón Sagrado Hospital. September 16, seven years ago.”
“Did I ask you for a date?”
“No.”
“Are you scared?”
“No.”
“Good. We don’t let cowards into our country. Now, stay still, don’t flinch.” Wind up, swing.
Stay still, don’t flinch.
“Where did you travel to?”
“Los Mochis, Sinaloa, México. To visit my grandma.”
“Is that the only place you visited?”
Breathe.
“Don’t lie. Liars aren’t welcomed, especially bad liars. You understand?”
Breathe. “Yes.”
“Did you visit anywhere else?”
Breathe. Lie.
“Where are you heading now?”
“El Valle, Arizona.”
“Is that where you live?”
“Yes, with my dad.”
“Do you like it?”
Breathe. “Yes.”
“Are you lying?”
Breathe. “No.”
“Is that your dad traveling with you?”
“Yes.”
“Where is your mom?”
Breathe.
“Answer me. Where is she?”
“She’s gone.”
“Where did she go? Do you know?”
“No. My dad says she died when I was little. I don’t know anything else.”
“Does that make you sad?”
“No.”
“Do you think it makes your dad sad?”
“No.”
“Good. This is no place for sad men and boys, is it?” Shove.
“No.”
“Is it?” Shove.
Breathe. “No.”
“One more time?”
Breathe. “No.” Breathe.
“Are you getting tired of this?”
“No.”
“You sure about that?”
Breathe.
Think. But don’t think long.
Someday.
Not today.
Not tomorrow.
Not the day after.
Someday, you’ll have a better answer.
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Oscar Mancinas is a Rarámuri-Chicano poet, fiction writer, and teacher. He was born, raised, and still resides in Mesa, Arizona’s Washington-Escobedo Neighborhood. Find more of his work and contact him at: https://oscarmancinas.wordpress.com