A Partial List of Flight Aids
Advisory Circular
US Department of Internal Disarmament
Office of Noncommercial Measures
AC22-24
August 05, 2019
BACKGROUND: Piloted flight is just another form of avoidance
Let’s be honest, references to the body of an airplane are nothing but linguistic propaganda. Metal wings and manufactured fuselages are the antithesis of scar-powered, human flight. An obvious truth: people can’t surmount their own hard ground while strapped in and contained. Bureaucracy, however, provides one powerful tool. Travelers don’t have to settle for the failure of a jet or cargo plane, the fiasco of traffic control towers, general announcements, and terminal seating. For the discerning traveler, the rules diagramed inside our nation’s airports supply a practical, if partial, list of personal flight aids. When attempting to rise above take note of the red circle and diagonal line, then leave that airport behind.
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A GENERAL WARNING: The truth is never simple
- Those commercial pilots with their jet engines and aluminum frames have a point. Wingless flight is a clear impossibility, which is absolutely not our concern. Being human, we are aware, means you will try.
- Reality can be unforgivably stupid. Just as our bodies, lymphatic vessels, capillaries, and neural cells form entangled biological networks, above us commercial airways are clogged with life still failing to pull free. No matter your environment, the burdens of connection are almost impossible to avoid.
- Intention matters. The security of imagined freedom is different from actual release. Select the method that will bear you until the very end. Remember: Imagine nothing, especially not failure, before making the attempt.
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FLIGHT AIDS: A partial list
1. Cordless Drills and Other Power Tools
Cordless drills are a common, airport-diagram-prominent choice. A drill bit or a Phillips screwdriver head is generally considered necessary. Though whatever tool you choose, flight outcomes vary greatly with each and every attempt. Your own flight will be affected by wind velocity, air temperature, and the way the sun continues to rise in the East even as you fall apart.
Best practices for drill-enabled flight include the following:
- A full arm extension overhead, preferably the right arm, preferably during the early hours just after midnight.
- A head bowed in prayer or silent contemplation. Both inner and outer voices are discouraged.
- A launch site cleared of all self-interested parties.
Drill-aided flight is an awkward affair. A censorious gaze, perceived or actual, will often render your flight aid unworkable. Your mother will not be proud of you if you tumble down. Your daughter will not understand you any better with impact wounds spread across your chest and legs. Most galling of all, your father, a useless man, might not even notice the crashing change.
2. Batteries
You didn’t mean to give up the calming balm of sex and now it’s done. The veracity of your previous entanglements is increasingly uncertain. Perhaps you were a whore. Perhaps a failed ascetic, virginal by nature as well as birth. Battery-aided flight will change none of those revisionist concerns. AAA or C batteries, while used extensively for wingless flight, are all known to regularly fail. Just like you. Just like everyone does, eventually. Yearning pain and a darkness of character, while obvious and human, do not equate with transcendent skill or emotional control.
If the moment is fraught with enough hormonal turbulence, and your head is clouded by a twelve-day stretch of insomnia, a car battery works best. To energize your flight, start at the left corner of your lower lip. Slowly drag the attached cable across, eyes closed. Eyes open is, of course, an option but may lead to an unexpected breakdown. Unwavering is best.
Remember: a flight, like an orgasm, once lost can never be recovered.
3. Aerosol Sprays and Other Pressurized Liquids
Chemicals manufactured along the Rhine and central Canada are considered the most dependable and therefore the most likely to repeatedly induce flight. However, the advent of globalization and niche markets means reputable sources can be found in almost any region. The converse is also true. Everything fails at some point. Pressurized flight catalysts are no exception.
It’s important to let go of all self-loathing even as you inhale. Allow the catalyst to bind within your body’s tied-and-tangled self.
Worry and hesitation, while human, will precipitously reduce your chances of success.
3. Cigarettes and Other Flammable Substances
With their rising plumes of smoke and transformational appearance, cigarettes seem the natural choice for the novice aviator. That does not mean they’re for you. Modes of flight are unavoidably personal, and you were always an unnatural child, acting as though sadness were your exclusive domain. Inhale deeply, convert once-living cells into ash and smoke. Pose. Attempt to contemplate. Once again fail to rise.
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FINAL GUIDANCE: And we all fall down
You try to avoid it for hours and days at time, but in the end the question remains. Why do you want to fly? No. Stop pretending. The real question: what qualifies you to try? So many voices declare you land-locked and gravity-bound, forever connected to this miserable ground. The most convincing voice—how trite, how cliché and failure-obvious— is your own.
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