Visiting my grandfather in the hospital. He just had surgery to replace his artificial hips. That’s right. He’s eight-two years old, and he just got his second set of artificial hips installed. “Gramps,” I ask him. “What is it with you and hips?” “Too much screwin’,” he says. It’s true. The man has had a…

If you know Wink Dale’s parents were hippies, then you know the story. You can picture them, spread out on a dozen or more oversized throw-pillows, in front of the television set in their tiny apartment, giggling at the gameshow host’s name, making their dare. And you know that Jeannie had missed her last two…

I was nine when this model came out. I remember wanting one. The idea of a stereo receiver with separate components—turntable, cassette tape, maybe even reel-to-reel tape player—was so much cooler than our awful one-piece hi-fi, with the tape-eating tape-player, the warped turntable, and the built-in tinny speakers. My mother said I was too young.…

The baby would fix everything. Their marriage wouldn’t fail with a baby in the house. They would have more than a marriage, with a baby. They would have a family. Their family would not fail. They hated failure more than they hated each other, so they would do anything to keep their marriage from failing.…

My secret brand whistles three notes. My secret brand is a recognized leader in the market. My secret brand is avuncular and auntacular My secret brand has been working on a train story ever since Johnny Cash passed. My secret brand is task-focused and goal-oriented. My secret brand has a density that is off the…

“Your shirt don’t get along with your pants,” she tells me. Thick accent. Thin lips. Hair a blond pile atop a narrow face. Arms blue with tattoos, like tulle, from her slender wrists to her lovely shoulders. Plus a major tattoo on her left hip, visible when she removes her leather jacket: a sideways scene…

We’re the ugly couple that just moved in down the hall, John and Ellen Pratt. You said hello to us in the hallway last Sunday and then again this Wednesday. You’re a very handsome couple. This is an awkward approach, we realize, but we’d like to be friends with you. We had intended to wait…

1. DOB, SSN, 4H, FFA, DDT, RIP 2. DOB, SSN, BSA, ROTC, USMC, SNAFU, AWOL, PTSD, ASBO, AA, SSI, SSDI, VHA, DNR, RIP 3. DOB, SSN, UFO, UFO, UFO, UFO, UFO, UFO, UFO, UFO, UFO, UFO, UFO, UFO, UFO, UFO, UFO, UFO, UFO, UFO, SIGW, RIP 4. DOB, SSN, SAT, MIT, GRE, MIT, PhD, LSD,…

I have a chick magnet. I bought it online. $9.95. Came in the mail last week. First time I use it, it works like a charm. I put the chick magnet in my right front pants pocket, as instructed in the user’s manual, and approach a pretty woman I’ve seen standing on the street corner…

Turpin came in the shop today and we gee whizzed for a few minutes before he asked me if the part he ordered last week was in yet. I told him no and explained that the order got placed between catalogues with my vendor, and how was I to know the part would have a…

The phone is ringing. You pick up your coffee mug and put it to your ear. Hello. Hot coffee spills into your ear. You throw the coffee mug across the room. The phone is ringing. Hello. You stand and touch the ceiling. The ceiling is eight feet high. You are seven feet two inches tall.…

I. The writer of long paragraphs pauses in his work. It is clear to him that his sentences are nothing special. But his paragraphs are so mighty that none of his readers has yet noticed what is lacking in his prose at sentence level. That is lucky for him. He knows that sooner or later…