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Are the Hungries Coming? Yes!

Dear Baby: As I was running down Queen Street today, past the building that used to say Taco Bell and KFC and Tuesday Special $3.49 but now just says HUNGRY, I thought — when you are born, none of the children’s books will make any sense to you.

“But Mama, what’s a telephone?” you’ll say, as I whisper-read the book to you so the Hungries won’t hear. “What’s a cow, what’s a clock? What’s a moon?”

So here is a story for you, Baby. It’s called A Day Like Today.

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Once upon a time, a kid named Flash and her Mommy were in the storeroom of a pub. They were both very thirsty. They had not had any water for a whole day! They were looking for bottles called Tonic Water. Flash knew what a T and an O and an N looked like, and when she found a bottle she and her Mommy whisper-cheered.

Mommy was glad to have tonic water. She did not want to give a five-year-old beer or vodka or gin to drink, which was the only other option. Mommy said, “You get a prize! What prize would you like?”

Flash said, “Can I shoot a Hungry today?”

Mommy was sad. Long ago when she dreamed about a child, she hoped it would want to play soccer, or draw pictures, or do science experiments. But she also knew that in the world she and Flash lived in, there were only three important skills: how to hide, how to find food, and how to kill Hungries. Flash knew how to hide. She knew how to find food. She needed to know how to kill Hungries. Flash reached inside her yellow backpack and got out her gray Beretta 92FS. She screwed on the silencer. Shh, little gun.

Flash and Mommy crept to the door of the storeroom.

Were there any Hungries in the pub? No!

Were there any Hungries on the sidewalk? No!

Were there any Hungries on the street? Yes! Yes!

There were Hungries on the street! Growling and drooling!

Flash held the gun up with both hands and looked at Mommy. Mommy nodded and pointed to the most growly and drooly Hungry. The one wearing a blue suit.

Flash took one big breath in, just like Mommy, and pulled the trigger.

Was Banker Hungry’s leg hit? No!

Was Banker Hungry’s chest hit? No!

Did Banker Hungry’s head explode? Yes! Yes!

Banker Hungry’s head exploded in a red mist of blood!

That night, Flash and her Mommy curled in a cuddly ball in the storeroom. They took big breaths in and let out big breaths. Mommy sang Flash a lullaby that had just four words over and over: “I’ll keep you safe.” Mommy sang quieter than a worm’s dreams. Flash breathed deeper and deeper and breathed herself into sleep.

In the morning, they would not eat cereal or get clean in a shower or have a carpool. In the morning, Flash and Mommy would continue to be alive. And that would be enough.

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Sage Tyrtle’s work is available or upcoming in X-R-A-Y, Pithead Chapel, and Cheap Pop among others. She started writing on an IBM XT in 1986, had an online journal in 1995, a podcast in 2005, and hasn’t owned a smartphone since 2014. She hopes she’s still an early adopter, but this time of an analog-based life.

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